This Is How I Really Feel

I feel like I have had the hardest time smiling or being happy since January till now. It seems like every time I think ‘oh, this is great, I feel great’, I get a stab in my bubble.

I have gone from being inspired to not wanting to do anything, to watching a shitload of Netflix shows just so I wouldn’t think or feel anything, and then to sleeping for hours and hours. Some days I wake up and wish I didn’t, because you know the alternate universe of my dream of nothingness feels better than breathing in this one.

Earlier this month I was violated at my friend’s place by her neighbour and this was after I had spent three weeks accessing my mind and tryna figure out ways to feel better but no, that shit apparently shouldn’t happen to me.
I found the strength to be in someone else’s space, it felt weird but I pushed past it, I pushed past it that I even spent the night at hers.

You’re probably wondering what happened?

This man walked in on me naked in my friend’s kitchen and just stayed there till I turned my back to see who was at the door- a very sieved summary.

I had chills on my back, my feet were cold and I, numb and confused as to what had happened to me. For a week I was still in shock and unable to process my feelings right but I finally did and sent a long ass message to my friend about the day and my feelings about it.

Now, I think this is where it started to hurt the most as I was met with ‘so sorry’ in response to my heart pour. Did she read my text? Does she have the mental capacity to understand what I had meant in every sentence? Isn’t she emotionally bright? Or is she plainly dismissing my experience with a very watered down apology, that I didn’t ask for?

I felt hurt. I still am, to be honest, and although our relationship has been through some hurdles, I’m not sure what I expected but I know I do not want this kind of friendship.

Being sad is bad for my health but ultimately it is great for my self-awareness as it causes me to go on a deep dive in order to find and address the source. Some of the sources being fear of not doing enough, the fear of being in the wrong lane, the fear of not making it and the realisation that the people I call my friends are probably not.

What do you do when you realise that the person you love doesn’t love you the way you want? It’s one thing to find love, and it is another, if not more important, to find that love in a package that suits you. And I believe that I have never had a friendship that came in a package that suits me.

It has always been me catering to someone’s feelings, me making sure everyone is comfortable, me doing the most, me keeping up with communication, me making sure we are all good and really, I am sick of it.
Because if you’re not going to be checking for me, there’s really no need for me to do that for you.

I finally unpacked my feelings and had them validated when I had a conversation with my neighbour last week and for the very first time in a long time, I felt seen. I was heard and understood. It felt glorious but truly sad, it was a moment I want to be relived but she would probably think I’m crazy.

Crazy enough to start a new career path for me at 25? Yes. And although I’ve not felt the greatest, I have and keep giving all of my efforts to becoming a filmmaker. Recently got certified from Delyork Creative Academy and I have crossed a couple of milestones with my screenwriting, so this brings me some sort of happiness.

To balance out my emotions, I started a note where I highlight all of my accomplishments for the month and it has served as a reminder that I’m doing something without doing something(haha, I hope this makes sense).

My goal is to get hired to write a major film or web series, and also create a short film next year…I’m thinking these would be cool to do.

In the meantime, I try to eat at least twice a day, fruits are a major part of my meals. I sleep quite late, between 2-3am and wake up by 9 or 11 because really, I am not a morning person and I have nobody/schedule on my ass to achieve so early in the day.

My love life keeps growing bigger and stronger, and this is a part of my life I never thought would be this fruitful but I have the best partner EVER.

I finally accepted that my family causes me some heavy heartbreak and so I have changed my ways in relating to them. I think my personal space is very instrumental to who I am and how I succeed as a creative and no negative energy would be tolerated…so keep them shits at bay.

As you can see, this is where I have been for the past three months, some days are better, while others I just curl up in bed waiting for the pain to go away. While I fight to keep my mental health together, I hope that you are doing better than I am and you find healthy ways to let out your hurt.

Also, if you’re going through it and understand some of my feelings, please leave a comment telling me how you deal with them. I really would like to know.

Thank you for reading.

Love,

Gold.