16 Feb Val’s Day Got Me Fucked Up!

What is that thin line between wanting to be with someone and also wanting to be left tf alone;yea cause that’s exactly where I’m at right now.
My mind is a whole cluster fuck and let’s not even begin to speak about what my actual life seems like right now…an absolute embarrasment😂

Its Valentine’s day and once again I am at home. No gifts,no outting,no text,just a plain ol regular Gold activities going on.
One of the guy’s I’m seeing asked me to be his Val at about 3:48pm and honestly I think he did so cause he felt sorry for me. We were having this discussion about what we normally do on this day and I went on about how I never do anything and secretly wish to be swept off my feet but never actually happens,so I think he thought it was a cue to ask me the typical. I also think it was a sweet gesture and I was down for it but not absolutely.

I don’t know man,I think I’m in a weird place right now in my life. Everything seems so uncomfortable and I can identify one of the major issues;however,when it comes to my emotional or relationship life I think I’m a little bit of a duns. I have all this love inside of me but do not know how to give it out mostly because I’m scared.

I fear rejection.
I fear that my love has been/might be overwhelming
I fear giving it to the wrong person
I fear time wastage
I fear being misunderstood
I fear that I might not even understand my own self so why should someone else.
I fear I might be asking someone for what he/she cannot give or even take.
I fear that I may want someone to have something but still not willing to give it up.
I fear a lot of things but I mostly am afraid of myself.

What am I then?
What does this make me?
A Cluster Fuck?
A Confused Bitch?
I know however that I may be all and none of it at the same time which is the most confusing part. So I have to say this…

I am looking forward to loving someone,to falling oh so deeply in love with someone and him with me too.
A love that takes away all this pain I feel and make me believe in the most craziest things. I am looking forward to celebrating Valentine’s Day with the love of my life in the most cliche way ever because I am cliche and I hate and love it about myself.
In the meantime though,I am going to keep loving myself in the best and hardest way I can. I am going to keep on smiling and being the joy I think I am to my friends in hopes that what I give out comes back to me in due time.

With all this out there, I’d love to wish you a very sweet happy Valentine’s Day.
Much much love from me always💜.

Gold Gerry.