I HATE MYSELF

Disclaimer: This piece was written on 22nd January, 2020 on a night I couldn’t sleep(which has been the case for weeks). I struggled so hard within myself as to whether to upload this or not because honestly I did not write it to share. However, I am in much better place mentally and physically right now, so I’m hoping that this in some way would resonate with one or two people who are currently in pain(whatever kind it might be). I feel you.

I hate myself too and it’s okay to feel so low,as long as you fight yourself back up.

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I feel shame more than I have ever felt before at this time in my life. The true meaning of ‘intimacy’ strikes harder at this time when I know I may be incapable of doing just that. How can you let someone see you?

You let someone in on ALL of you,that is just scary,unnecessary,and maybe impossible for me.

What do I have a problem with? I thought.

I mean it is not like I do not talk to my friends about everything going on in my life but it is gut chattering for me to share these weak,unpleasant,unemployed,useless parts of myself with someone of the opposite sex and it doesn’t help that he is my Boyfriend. The man I love and care about.

I feel really vulnerable.

I feel really unpleasant.

I do not feel sexy.

I feel unwanted,because I mean who would want to be with an unemployed broke and broken woman like me?

I have been so whiny, and I mean whiny about EVERYTHING.

I cannot even buy airtime for my phone!!!

I have cried,cried,cried,cried,cried,cried,screamed at some points and laughed but I still just kept crying.

I am a monster.

I hate to see myself this way

I think I am ugly,unintelligent,stupid,lazy,unworthy and too selfish to be receiving this love.

I honestly wish I could pause and just focus on myself without the pressure.

I just want to go back to being alone and resolve this problem myself,then have him back into my life as though nothing had happened

That’s wtf I want because yo!!! How dare he see me this way and still wants to talk to me?

It is really difficult to believe someone truly loves you at your lowest,when it is just as difficult to look yourself in the mirror.

I cannot stand myself.

I stopped sending pictures and videos,at least I have reduced the rate.

I do not feel sexy(yes,I’m saying it again)

I just want to hide

I think I hate myself,I hate this version of myself

I am so sad,it is exhausting

I get those moments everyday where I just want to scream,even if I’m surrounded by people,surrounded by my friends.

Oh my friends.

My rock

My comfort

My joy

But I still hate myself and I am asking for strength to overcome this dark path my heart and head is on because I really love Lotanna and do not want to fuck it up with all my shii